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6 Steps To Overcoming Fear

When you’re engulfed by fear, others can smell it, feel it and almost taste it. Fear doesn’t just affect you, it influences the way you treat people and how you come across. It acts as a repellent, pushing the one you want away. What are you afraid of? What’s the worst thing that can happen to you? After all, the answer’s already ‘no’ if you don’t ask.

Fear is often described using the acronym  False Evidence Appearing Real. It appears real, because you’ve told yourself it’s what you fear, and your body acts accordingly, pumping your system full of ‘fight and flight’ hormones whenever you get a stimulus. That’s why something that sends shivers of fear down your spine can be a thrilling and enjoyable experience for the next person. But you have the power to control your fears, not the other way around.


Here are 6 steps to overcoming your fears:


1. Acknowledge that you have the power to over come your fears.

You control your fears, not the other way around. The first step to overcoming your fears is acknowledging them and recognising that they can only have power over you if you let them. Regardless of the way you currently see yourself, you can become a confident people magnet if you change the way you view yourself and take the necessary steps to make it happen.


2. Take baby steps 

We know that overcoming your fears is easier said than done, but even an Olympic skier would have been consumed by fear had they started learning on the steepest slopes, beset with treacherous inclines and obstacles. Like everyone else, they started on the gentle beginner’s course, picking themselves up off the snow each time they fell down. Don’t beat yourself up if the thought of approaching someone sends you into a blind panic. Take baby steps, starting off with a little eye contact and a smile. (If making eye contact is too daunting, try to focus on the area between their eyes, it will have the same effect with much less emotional intensity.) Remember, practice makes perfect.


3. Change what you focus on 

What we focus on is vital in the development of our sense of confidence and our personality. To understand this, consider the thoughts that race through your mind when you meet someone new? If you’re like 90% of the population, chances are you’re likely to be thinking, What will they think of me? Will they like me? Do I look alright? What the hell am I going to say? or, I wish I’d worn more deodorant this morning! Is it any wonder that you feel like a total failure when you focus on the negative or your inability to hold your own in a conversation with someone new? The more you focus on your fear the more power you give it, so concentrate on what’s positive about you and your life.


4. Ask yourself empowering questions

Ask a question and your brain will find an answer. Keep asking yourself why you’re still single and can’t find a date and your brain will come up with a list as long as your arm of reasons why you’re destined for a life of singledom. (You’re shy, always get stuck for words, still stuck in the eighties, etc…) Want to change your luck? Rather than asking yourself why doesn’t anyone want me, ask yourself, why wouldn’t they? Ask yourself, how can I love my life and who I am, and what can I do to make myself feel more attractive, and enjoy meeting new people?


5. Replace your limiting beliefs with more positive beliefs

If your old beliefs are holding you back or sabotaging your relationships, it’s time for a makeover.

What are the limiting beliefs that have stopped you from attracting the partner you want?

What beliefs or actions have sabotaged your past relationships?

Think about those beliefs. What feelings are associated with them?

What have those beliefs cost you? If you don’t change, what will they cost you one year from now? Five years from now?

If you take those limiting beliefs away, what will you gain?

The only way your brain can erase a thought is to replace it with a new one, so every time you have a negative thought about yourself or your ability to pick up, imagine pressing a delete button or saying ‘I delete this thought,’ then replace it with something positive.

What new empowering beliefs can you replace your limiting beliefs with?

Now, write down your five new empowering beliefs:


6. Don’t take rejection personally

We know it’s easier said than done, especially if the thought of your last failed attempt at chatting someone up is still burning a hole in your memory, but rejection is just someone choosing what’s right for them. It doesn’t mean that you’re any less attractive, intelligent or desirable, simply that you weren’t what they were looking for.

So how can you see the positive when the answer is ‘no’?

The more you practice, (and yes, that means the more you get rejected) the easier it becomes to approach people and to communicate with the opposite sex. It may be hard to believe, (especially if you spend parties with your back firmly pressed to the wall), but you may actually start to have fun. And the more fun you have the more attractive you’ll become. For More information on fear in dating click here.


Extract from Katia Loisel and Paul Morris Segal’s book How To Get The Man You Want / How To Get The Woman You Want.

Want More? Take Katia Loisel’s Online Courses on body language and dating right here at Love Destination.