Question: How do I Avoid Losing Myself in My Relationship?
So this question might not be something you could help me with but it’s been on my mind lately. When I was single, it was easy for me to concentrate on school work, want to get ahead, and I was able to dedicate time to finding and working on myself.
Now, I am in a happy and healthy relationship. However, I do not feel the strong urges of doing those things that I just mentioned anymore; but I very much want to. I miss finding myself and looking for new things to love and being passionate about my hobbies.
How can I incorporate finding myself as well as being that eager and ambitious girl I once was while in a relationship?
Ask An Expert – Response:
This is an interesting dilemma you have outlined as I find it is something many people struggle with… How do we keep our independence whilst being in a relationship?? Some people find that when they are in a relationship they become quite settled in themselves, it’s kind of like they think, well thank goodness that parts done now!!! And at first the relationship may actually be enough to help them feel satisfied. Often though as time goes on its not quite enough, which is what I think you may be noticing now.
A relationship is not meant to take up every moment of your time but is one where both of the couple are able to function independently of one another but are also committed to their relationship and depend on each other at the same time. Sounds tricky doesn’t it. but not when you know how to work it.
So what do you do? Well essentially you need to make time to do things together and make time to do things individually. And there are also family times as well as work and friend times. All of these different blocks of time need to be balanced with each other.
I’d like you to imagine a pie and you need to cut the pie up into pieces according to the amount of time you spend in those different blocks of time. Notice which area or person you have given the biggest piece of pie to?
Now I would like you to draw the pie and this time cut it up according to the amount of time you would LIKE to be spending with each person and make sure you allocate an amount of time for you, call it “me time”. This part is really important for you to do as you mentioned finding yourself again. Doing this exercise will help you to see exactly where your time is spent and with whom right now. It tells you what’s really going on and where you need to focus your attention. It also allows you to come back to yourself instead of focussing outside of yourself.
Another tip is to write down a list of the things, activities or hobbies that you have always been interested in finding out more about. Then leave the list for a couple of days and come back to it and reread it. Cross off all of the things that don’t seem as important or as interesting any longer and whatever is left on the list are the hobbies or interests that you are really interested in pursuing. It’s important you pursue these things, even if its gathering more information online or searching for groups that are interested in the same things as you are. Meet up groups are a great place to start.
Lastly at the end of every evening I would like you to write down five things you are grateful for that have happened during the day. These can be small things like I am grateful that the sun was shining today.. What’s important is that you need to start five sentences with “Today I am grateful that/ for…”
I hope some or one of these techniques helps you find some motivation to focus a little bit more back to yourself as that is a balance in itself.
Rewire Your Relationship
Jacqui Christie is a registered Clinical and Counselling Psychologist with a Masters in Psychology who blends insight and intuition with evidence based scientific research to strengthen and enhance individual’s lives. Jacqui has broad experience in treating adults with a variety of conditions from everyday concerns through to disorders.
Jacqui began her psychological career over 20 years ago in the field of Family Violence where she began working with men who were violent, abusive and controlling towards their partners. In addition, Jacqui began to work with and treat women who were currently or had been living in an abusive relationship.Jacqui has worked with men individually and in groups specifically facilitating Behaviour Change Groups for many years.
She has developed and implemented a number of other programs including anger management, behaviour change, parenting, stress management, mindfulness and depression.She is a relationship therapist and trained in clinical hypnosis which is used in a therapeutic way with clients as an adjunct to therapy.
Jacqui has recently trained in the US in the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT) method which is focused on adult attachment styles and how these impact on intimate relationships.Jacqui is a mentor and has mentored CEO’s managers and other professionals as well as provided clinical supervision for psychologists and counsellors.
She has been highly regarded for her easily approachable and non judgmental style and ability to see beyond the masks. Jacqui has written articles for Women’s Health, Cleo and Girlfriend magazine on relationships and family violence. She is also a speaker on the topic of relationships. Jacqui has worked as a consultant and in corporate settings and is currently in private practice where she is also the Director of a wholistic health centre. She is also the author of Rewire Your Relationships and an expert at The Love Destination.
About Jacqui’s Book Rewire Your Relationship
Do you feel like you are going around and around the merry go round in your relationship? Do you both keep arguing about the same old same old things without any resolution stuck in a pattern of Groundhog Day.
Everyone is biologically and chemically hard-wired for connection and whilst your partner frustrating behaviours, the ones that you have been trying to change for many years now, may feel like they are designed just to push your buttons they are fact entirely unintentional, part of his or her make-up or what Jacqui Christie terms, the hard-wiring.
So if that’s just the way we are and at times it feels like we are just not right together, how do we “Rewire Our Relationship”? Understanding who and why we and others are, is the critical step to building relationships that flourish.With a deeper understanding of your own and your partners complex attachment styles you have the perfect platform to deepen your relationship because for perhaps the first time, we can equip you with the right tools and communication style for your unique partnership.
In this book you will discover Rewire Your Relationship has so many practical relationship tips, tricks and techniques to bring you closer together, revitalise your relationship and create that deep connection you have been craving.