Ask an Expert Question: I’ve lost my confidence and want to get my mojo back
Hoping you can give me some guidance as I feel like a shadow of my former self. I’ve lost my confidence and want to get my mojo back.
I’ve always been a people person, quite like being the centre of attention, never had an issue dating or with work etc. My partner and I met 15 years ago. We were friends first (met at work) so we didn’t have that initial attraction. I fell in love with the way that he made me feel. He made me laugh and it was pretty fabulous. Together we were the life of the party. We had fun… lots of fun. We were happy.
Three kids later (9,5 and 3) and I feel like a ghost. I miss my job and having a purpose, not that I don’t love being a mum. But seriously, where did I go? Whatever confidence I had has well and truly left the building and I don’t feel like my former self. If I’m honest, I’m not fun to be around. I feel needy and desperate for hubbies love and affection.
I have become the person I used to pity. Hubbie acts like he’s still into me but I’m always questioning his affection. Doubting his attraction. Doubting his love. I hate feeling like this. I need to get my confidence and mojo back but have NO idea where to start.
Ask an Expert Answer
I am so glad you asked this question as believe me, it is a very common issue that women experience, especially after having a family.
First of all, I want you to know that nothing serious is going on here, you are not broken nor going mad. The truth is that you have moved far away from the real authentic you – the real Brenda!
The Brenda who was confident, felt good about herself and had fun.
Fast forward a few years and you took the label of Brenda the wife and Brenda the Mum. But where is the authentic Brenda? It sounds like she wants to come out again!
You need a plan
You need a plan now. A plan to allow the real authentic you to come out again. This means prioritizing you, your emotions and your happiness.
Here are a few ideas:
1. Write a list of the things that make you happy:
Write a list of the things that make you happy. Focus on the things that bring you positive emotion every day, it could be things you used to do but no longer include in your life. Commit to doing one of these things a day. This will start to bring your happiness feelings back.
Get a lovely journal and start writing down how you want to FEEL in your life. It is like a goal as such but more about the emotions you want to feel. For example, secure, happy, relaxed, feeling more like yourself, having more fun, safe and secure in your relationship, satisfied and content. Then, as much as possible, gently focus on feeling these emotions again. It is like opening the doors again on the real you.
Be gentle with this. For example, if you would like to feel more satisfied in life – gently focus on how great it would feel to feel satisfied in life and try and feel the emotion of contentment in your body. This exercise will help you focus on what you do want, instead of focusing on what you don’t want.
3. Praise yourself regularly.
Praise yourself regularly. Every day, give yourself some praise and appreciate yourself. You need to build up your self-belief and identity from the inside out. Don’t wait until you have done something amazing before you give yourself some praise, praise yourself for getting the kids dressed.
4. Focus on what is right with you:
Focus on what is right with you, rather than what you believe is wrong with you. Write a letter of appreciation to yourself and appreciate the fabulous person you are. Your hubby is a lucky man to have you so remember that! You are valuable!
5. Grab a copy of my book “The Confidence Coach” as this has loads of exercises and tips to help build up your confidence muscle!
With over 19 years’ experience, Lisa Phillips is a leading confidence, resilience and well-being facilitator, coach and speaker. Lisa is also a qualified Counsellor. Lisa founded ‘Amazing Coaching’ in 2000 while living in Sydney, Australia. Now based in the UK, she works with clients all over the world. What makes Lisa stand out from other professionals in her field is her leading-edge techniques, engaging personality and the unique style of warmth and vivacity in which she delivers her work. Her high energy, depth of knowledge and great sense of humour builds rapport and trust easily. Lisa is the author of ‘ The Confidence Coach’ book and her work is regularly featured on TV, Radio and a wide range of business and lifestyle magazines. She is also a popular enrichment speaker on Celebrity Cruises, Royal Caribbean and Princess Cruises.Lisa has also won 3 Stevie awards for her work as a coach assisting people with their con-fidence and emotional wellbeing.