Like us on Facebook and help us share the love!

Ask an Expert Question: I’ve lost my confidence and want to get my mojo back


Hoping you can give me some guidance as I feel like a shadow of my former self. I’ve lost my confidence and want to get my mojo back.

I’ve always been a people person, quite like being the centre of attention, never had an issue dating or with work etc. My partner and I met 15 years ago. We were friends first (met at work) so we didn’t have that initial attraction. I fell in love with the way that he made me feel. He made me laugh and it was pretty fabulous. Together we were the life of the party. We had fun… lots of fun. We were happy.

Three kids later (9,5 and 3) and I feel like a ghost. I miss my job and having a purpose, not that I don’t love being a mum. But seriously, where did I go? Whatever confidence I had has well and truly left the building and I don’t feel like my former self. If I’m honest, I’m not fun to be around. I feel needy and desperate for hubbies love and affection.

I have become the person I used to pity. Hubbie acts like he’s still into me but I’m always questioning his affection. Doubting his attraction. Doubting his love. I hate feeling like this. I need to get my confidence and mojo back but have NO idea where to start.

Please help!!


Ask an Expert Answer

Hi Brenda,

I am so glad you asked this question as believe me, it is a very common issue that women experience, especially after having a family.

First of all, I want you to know that nothing serious is going on here, you are not broken nor going mad. The truth is that you have moved far away from the real authentic you – the real Brenda!

The Brenda who was confident, felt good about herself and had fun.

Fast forward a few years and you took the label of Brenda the wife and Brenda the Mum. But where is the authentic Brenda? It sounds like she wants to come out again!

You need a plan

You need a plan now. A plan to allow the real authentic you to come out again. This means prioritizing you, your emotions and your happiness.

Here are a few ideas:

1. Write a list of the things that make you happy:

Write a list of the things that make you happy. Focus on the things that bring you positive emotion every day, it could be things you used to do but no longer include in your life. Commit to doing one of these things a day. This will start to bring your happiness feelings back.

2. Journal:

Get a lovely journal and start writing down how you want to FEEL in your life. It is like a goal as such but more about the emotions you want to feel. For example, secure, happy, relaxed, feeling more like yourself, having more fun, safe and secure in your relationship, satisfied and content. Then, as much as possible, gently focus on feeling these emotions again. It is like opening the doors again on the real you.

Be gentle with this. For example, if you would like to feel more satisfied in life – gently focus on how great it would feel to feel satisfied in life and try and feel the emotion of contentment in your body. This exercise will help you focus on what you do want, instead of focusing on what you don’t want.

3. Praise yourself regularly.

Praise yourself regularly. Every day, give yourself some praise and appreciate yourself. You need to build up your self-belief and identity from the inside out. Don’t wait until you have done something amazing before you give yourself some praise, praise yourself for getting the kids dressed.

4. Focus on what is right with you:

Focus on what is right with you, rather than what you believe is wrong with you. Write a letter of appreciation to yourself and appreciate the fabulous person you are. Your hubby is a lucky man to have you so remember that! You are valuable!

5. Grab a copy of my book “The Confidence Coach” as this has loads of exercises and tips to help build up your confidence muscle!


Want More? Why not take one of Lisa Phillip's fabulous online courses on Confidence and Wellbeing right here at Love Destination?