She wants space and has started ignoring me. What should I do?

Ask an Expert Question: She wants space and has started ignoring me. What should I do?

I fell in love with a girl who is older than me. However, I know that she likes me too but seems to be afraid.

She started ignoring me and I’m trying my best to give her space too.

I don’t want her to commit into anything either. Just want to concern about her as she was there for me when I needed someone the most. Below is the last conversation we had. What do you think I should do?

Nathan

Her:
“I hope you will focus more on your own things rather than on me. Sometimes i feel that you’re interfering my life a little too much. Just so you know, i dont trust people easily. I know you’re being concern and im thankful the gesture but frankly speaking, we are not that close for me to disclose more of my personal stuff to you. And the again, don’t pin any hopes on me as i’ve told you before that i don’t want to step into another relationships or commit in anything with anyone.

The fact is that you are a little too young for me. Also, please don’t think too much as at times i will just shut myself from everyone and be alone myself. I didn’t say we can’t be friends. You just have to know what and who you should focus on.”

Ask an Expert Answer Part 1:

Hi Nathan,

Thank you for your email, it’s lovely to connect with you. I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult and confusing time with this relationship.

It would be easy to sugar coat my response, but that won’t serve you. So I’m going to be honest with you, because you deserve to emotionally invest in someone who will love you back the way you deserve (and yes you do deserve an amazing relationship!).

It’s not always easy to tell someone how you feel, particularly when it’s not the news that they want to hear. Her message (both in her nonverbal behaviour by ignoring you and in her note) is her way of trying to let you down gently. She’s asking for space and wants you to move on. I know that’s easier said than done when you’ve developed feelings someone, particularly as she was there for you in the past.

It’s not always easy to be friends with someone you have feelings for. No matter how hard you try, you can’t truly hide how you feel. It leaks through your body language, facial expressions and gestures, and it can affect your friendship. On the flip side, being friends with someone you don’t love back can lead to feelings of guilt, and that can make things complicated and can lead to resentment on her side.

So what now? Move on, surround yourself with people who support and care for you, and focus on you. What makes you happy? Makes your heart sing (aside from her)? What have you given up on in your life? Focusing and investing in you will not only help you move on but will also help you to build a new support network and friendships.

Good luck and please let me know how you go!

Katia

Ask an expert Question Part 2:

Thanks for your reply

Yes, I was about to give up on her but then she started talking again. What should I do?

Nathan

Ask an expert Answer Part 2:

Honestly? I think you should walk away. It seems clear from her message that she’s not really interested. Yet, sometimes when the person who has the feelings loses interest the one who just wanted to be friends (or ignored them) misses the attention and starts to reach out again. This is called bread crumbing. Essentially giving you just enough attention to keep you around. This kind of off again on again attention stimulates the dopamine area of your brain and keeps you interested (and often addicted) in them.

Not great for you or your self confidence. You deserve much more.

Good luck Nathan!

Katia